After many reviews its time for a more personal post. I haven’t written something like this in a while, but there’s no better way to get it off my chest than sharing it with you!
So what’s the problem?
I like to be in control. I know what I want, I know where I’m going and I’m making it work. I’ve always been like that. Even when something happened that shook my plans, I always managed to get back in control.
But this time it’s different.
So, I was in my last semester at University (at least that’s what I thought). Everything was going according to plan and I was already planning on starting with my master studies in autumn.
However, in June shit hit the fan. I’m not gonna go into detail here – I’ll just say there was a “misunderstanding” with a professor which means I’m now 6 ECTS points short of graduating.
For someone who likes to be in control, this is the worst. I’m not used to something like that. During my whole time at University I never even failed a single exam – and now that.
The problem is that this was a course where you constantly have to hand in stuff throughout the semester so I can’t just retake the exam. When this happened it really stressed me out. As I still had other exams to take at the end of June I was studying like crazy – while I couldn’t sleep at all, had no appetite and constant headaches.
However, I tried to regain control. I figured, if I just pick two other lectures and study very hard throughout the summer, I can take the exams at the beginning of the next semester and thus start with my master as planned. Sounds good? No it doesn’t.
First of all, starting with my master despite the lacking 6 ECTS points would only be possible if I had passed all of the exams in June. I’m still waiting for the results. So you can imagine how I check my emails 100 times a day, nerves on edge.
Nevertheless I started studying. Here I encountered the next problem. The 6 points I need to do are in IT which I chose as extracurricular study. Now the problem is that in IT there are hardly any lectures. Usually you get a combination of lecture and a practical course. I thought if I just study hard enough, it won’t matter that I didn’t take the practical course, I’m sure I can do it.
Well, as it turns out, I can’t. The more I study the more I realize that there is now way of me ever passing the exams in autumn (I would need to do two exam to get 6 ECTS points). Not only am I lacking the practical course. As the exams are for lectures of the summer semester, there are preconditions from courses from the winter semester that you are expected to have. I don’t.
As I feel the control slipping between my fingers, my hands begin to shake. I’m actually on holiday right now and I spent every day studying. We’ve been here for two weeks and (maybe with the exception of 3 nights) I always woke up at 4 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I started studying. Does that sound healthy to you? It’s not only that I can’t sleep, I also lost my appetite and whenever I’m not studying I’m thinking about it and feel guilty.
I had to retake control. In this case it means letting go.
I decided not to do the exams in autumn and do an extra semester. This also ways rather heavy on me as I’m used to doing everything in minimum time with good grades and so on. But anyway this is better than spending my entire holiday with my nerves on edge, studying the whole time and constantly checking my emails while holding my breath.
Guess what? I made that decision yesterday. It was the first time I slept well in two weeks.